Hysterectomy by Faith (Part 4)

I write beside my wife who is recovering from a “successful” surgery. The operation went smoothly with no biological complications. Her pain is great now, but we pray it’s worth it in the long run.

I will confess, however, this has proven much more difficult for me than expected. There is a tidal wave of feelings, questions, speculations and doubts that leave me awash in creatureliness. Frankly, I feel like mourning. I didn’t realize how much hope is wrapped up in potential. I’ve never feared being human this much before.

I fear resentment. Will today always lurk stealthily in the back of my mind? Has “what if” been forever seared into my soul? Will I hide the “hysterectomy card” in my sleeve to trump my failures?

I fear entitlement. Will I now expect God to make good on his end of this deal? Will I assume that because we did this in faith God now owes us one . . . or a hundred? Was I deceived by self-righteousness cloaked in false humility?

I fear selfishness. Will I consider this mainly Amy’s problem? Will I hurt with her or hurt for her? Will I keep her in my unflinching arms or at arm’s length? Will I derive some sick satisfaction from hearing Amy say, “I’m sorry.”

I’m thankful God comes after his sheep. Why so downcast, O my soul? Put your hope in God.

3 thoughts on “Hysterectomy by Faith (Part 4)

  1. BJ,
    You and Amy are in our thoughts and prayers. We grieve with you over the “what if’s”, but we are praying that Christ will continue to be glorified in your lives, as He has most certainly been up to this point.
    We can’t tell you what an encouragement you both have been to us, as we walk in similar footsteps in so many different circumstances. We pray that God would bless you richly and that He would gain much glory in your lives.
    Much love to you and your sweet wife (who has encouraged me beyond belief!) and precious daughter,
    -glenna (and william!)-

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